Emergency

The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the blonde secretary on the ground floor for an important file.
Since it was rather urgent the boss told the secretary it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the blonde clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The blonde secretary replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!

The Difference

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million.

They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C. And what did the Russians do...??

They used a pencil...

Good News!

source

This Is Not Really A Joke

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

OUCH !

The Lost Coin

A couple had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room.

Rushing to his side, they found him crying hysterically.He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking could change his mind.Desperate to calm him, the husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.

Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his dad's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, dad!"

Important Guy

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!" "Is it the President?" asked the chief. "No! Even more important!" "Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

SORRY....

I apologise to those who had a gloomy weekend because i couldn't post anything. My computer is out of order and i am sitting here in an internet cafe writing this. I have no idea when my CPU will come back from the repair shop.Till then i will try and visit the cafe as frequently as possible and try to keep you guys smiling!

A Blonde Forever

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

ERROR!

Most Reliable Weather Forecast

Men & Women

Difference Between Women And Men

1. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it’s only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

2. NAMES

If Sue, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other
Sue, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as
Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12 OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Computer Acronyms

Ever wondered what some of those computing acronyms actually stand for?

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit Losing Entity
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
IBM - Its Better Manually
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
NTSC - Never Twice the Same Colour
WWW - World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

Tested

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

Shark

Drunk Flier

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.

The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."