Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
SALESMAN: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
IDIOT: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
IDIOT: No, the name’s Lou.
SALESMAN: Your computer?
IDIOT: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
IDIOT: I told you, my name’s Lou.
SALESMAN: What about Windows?
IDIOT: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
SALESMAN: Do you want a computer with Windows?
IDIOT: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
IDIOT: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
SALESMAN: Software for Windows?
IDIOT: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
IDIOT: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
SALESMAN: I just did.
IDIOT: You just did what?
SALESMAN: Recommend something.
IDIOT: You recommended something?
IDIOT: For my office?
IDIOT: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
IDIOT: Yes, for my office!
SALESMAN: I recommend Office with Window’s.
IDIOT: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
IDIOT: What word?
SALESMAN: Word in Office.
IDIOT: The only word in office is office.
SALESMAN: The Word in Office for Windows.
IDIOT: Which word in office for windows?
SALESMAN: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
IDIOT: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
IDIOT: That’s right what do you have?
IDIOT: I need money to track my money?
SALESMAN: It comes bundled with your computer.
IDIOT: What’s bundled with my computer?
IDIOT: Money comes with my computer?
SALESMAN: Yes. No extra charge.
IDIOT: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
SALESMAN: One copy.
IDIOT: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
SALESMAN: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
IDIOT: They can give you a license to copy money?
SALESMAN: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
SALESMAN: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
IDIOT: How do I turn my computer off?
SALESMAN: Click on ‘START’
Friday, December 19, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
“What do you mean?” said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe. “Ow, even THAT hurts.”
The doctor asked the woman, “Are you a natural blonde?”
“Why yes,” she said.
“I thought so,” said the doctor… “You have a sprained finger.”
Monday, December 15, 2008
Here are the Rules:
TAG 10 PEOPLE INCLUDING THE ONE THAT SENT THIS TO YOU.
- USE THE 1ST LETTER OF YOUR NAME TO ANSWER EACH OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS.
- THEY HAVE TO BE REAL PLACES, NAMES,THINGS. NOTHING MADE UP!
- TRY TO USE DIFFERENT ANSWERS IF THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU HAD THE SAME 1ST INITIAL.
- YOU CAN'T USE YOUR NAME FOR THE BOY/GIRL NAME QUESTION.
SCATTERGORIES : (de ja vu)
1. What is your name:Aviral
2. A 4 Letter word:Axis
3. A Boys Name:Ankit
4. A Girls Name:Anusha
5. An Occupation:Astronaut
6. A Color:Aqua
7. Something you wear:Adidas(so what if it's the name of a brand?)
8. A Beverage:Ale
9. A Food:Avial
10. Something found in the bathroom:Aftershave lotion
11. A place:Agra
12. A Reason for being late:Alarm clock wasn't working
13. Something you shout:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....!!!
According to the rules, I have to pass this on to 10 other people, but i think i will follow what Kadri did.
IF YOU READ THIS POST, YOU ARE TAGGED!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”
Friday, December 5, 2008
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Darn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Sunday, November 30, 2008
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she is happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the groom wearing black?"
Thursday, November 27, 2008
The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”
The other cow replies, “I am not worried, it doesn't affect us ducks.”
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day.
One day, he came to and motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."
The wife smiled softly as her husband continued, "When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she gently asked.
“I think you are bad luck!”
Saturday, November 22, 2008
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
Monday, November 17, 2008
A man working at a lumberyard is sawing a tree when he accidentally cuts off all his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"
"Well, doc, I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!"
Friday, November 14, 2008
A blonde was speeding when a local police cruiser pulled her over.
The police officer, also a blonde, asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while, and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again, and found a small rectangular mirror, down at the bottom. She held it up to her face, and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license!!" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver, and said, "You're free to go. ...And, if I'd known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
A blonde and a brunette were sitting in a bar watching the TV screen and it was showing a man on the 10:00 news about to jump off a building.
The brunette says, "$20.00 he's going to jump."
The blonde puts down another $20.00 stating that he won't jump.
The man does a nose-dive off the building and dies.
The blonde says, "Okay, you won fair and square here's your $20.00."
The brunette says, "I cant take your money, I kind of cheated. I watched the 5:00 news and it showed the same thing."
The blonde says, "So did I... but I didn't think he would do it again."
Saturday, November 8, 2008
The President says, "Oh, my God!" and buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet is stunned. Not a word is spoken. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to this kind of report.
Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian?"
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
Friday, October 24, 2008
- "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
- "Dear School: Please excuse my son for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
- "Please excuse my son from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
- "Please excuse my son from school. He has very loose vowels."
- My daughter won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
- "Please excuse my daughter, she has been sick and under the doctor."
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Monday, October 20, 2008
80,000 blondes are gathered for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "4?” Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ... Give her another chance! Give her another chance!