The Fat Guy

An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor's office and claims that he's tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding.

Reassuring the fattie that he won't starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he's sure to lose weight in the process.

Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he's down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how he's feeling, noticing that he's bouncing up and down in his seat quite energetically.

"I'm feeling great, doc; never felt better!" is the reply.

"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?" asked the doctor.

"Just chewing some gum!"

Bull Shit

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

MORAL OF THE STORY
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Two Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift.

I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?

A: She drowns it.

Beating The Heat

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Furious Kid

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Daring Ad

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I'm Not Moving

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.

He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

"I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Wierd

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Puddle

source:explosm.net

Mysterious Deaths

There was this case in the hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on them next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil…….. Just when the clock struck 11….

The blonde cleaning lady, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

'Weeding' Ceremony

This pic is approximately 23 years old. I found it a few days back in one of the photo albums, got it scanned and posted it.
BTW the two people you see here (the one on the left is my dad) have nothing to do with Prakash and Lata's weeding.

Iphone And Stone

source:evilmilk.com

Oh Crap!

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Fail

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Bush

Please click and enlarge
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Criterion

I found this written at the back of my mom's college mark sheet-

Any candidate for Part 1 or Part 2 or Part 3 Examination who has obtained pass marks in the aggregate but has failed in not more than two subjects, obtaining not less than 30% marks in each of these subjects, may be declared to have passed the examination if for every mark by which he/she is short of the minimum pass marks in these subjects he/she has secured three additional marks in the aggregate above the pass marks.

PHEW!!!
That's some criterion! There were two more such idiotic paragraphs but i would have gone mad typing them out!

Not Much Of A Man

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Baby Osama

source:explosm.net

Egghead

source:explosm.net