Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Pizza for Blonde
One day after work, the blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza.
When it was ready, the waiter asked if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.
"Better make it four," she said. "I'd never be able to eat eight."
When it was ready, the waiter asked if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.
"Better make it four," she said. "I'd never be able to eat eight."
Miracle Diet
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Band-Aids
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt...and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a thing?'
'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt...and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a thing?'
'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
You know you are in 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played Solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t#9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Emergency
The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the blonde secretary on the ground floor for an important file.
Since it was rather urgent the boss told the secretary it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.
After more than 30 minutes the blonde clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.
The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.
The blonde secretary replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The Difference
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million.
They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C. And what did the Russians do...??
They used a pencil...Monday, January 26, 2009
This Is Not Really A Joke
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Lost Coin
A couple had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room.
Rushing to his side, they found him crying hysterically.He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking could change his mind.Desperate to calm him, the husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.
Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his dad's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, dad!"
Rushing to his side, they found him crying hysterically.He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking could change his mind.Desperate to calm him, the husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.
Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his dad's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, dad!"
Important Guy
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!" "Is it the President?" asked the chief. "No! Even more important!" "Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!" "Is it the President?" asked the chief. "No! Even more important!" "Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
SORRY....
I apologise to those who had a gloomy weekend because i couldn't post anything. My computer is out of order and i am sitting here in an internet cafe writing this. I have no idea when my CPU will come back from the repair shop.Till then i will try and visit the cafe as frequently as possible and try to keep you guys smiling!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A Blonde Forever
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
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