Phony Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”

This Is Gonna Hurt

Courtesy:blingit

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Darn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Smart Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a bar for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Wedding Day

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she is happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the groom wearing black?"

Ouch!

courtesy:blingit

Mad Cow

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”
The other cow replies, “I am not worried, it doesn't affect us ducks.”

Bad Luck

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day.

One day, he came to and motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."

The wife smiled softly as her husband continued, "When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she gently asked.

“I think you are bad luck!”

Stuck!

courtesy:google

Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Flying Donkey

Who Needs Photoshop?

I Couldn't Think Of A Name For This One

I Tried !

A man working at a lumberyard is sawing a tree when he accidentally cuts off all his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"

"Well, doc, I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!"

Two Blondes

A blonde was speeding when a local police cruiser pulled her over.

The police officer, also a blonde, asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while, and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again, and found a small rectangular mirror, down at the bottom. She held it up to her face, and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license!!" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver, and said, "You're free to go. ...And, if I'd known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

Is That Why McCain Didn't Win ?

Blonde Bet

A blonde and a brunette were sitting in a bar watching the TV screen and it was showing a man on the 10:00 news about to jump off a building.

The brunette says, "$20.00 he's going to jump."

The blonde puts down another $20.00 stating that he won't jump.

The man does a nose-dive off the building and dies.

The blonde says, "Okay, you won fair and square here's your $20.00."

The brunette says, "I cant take your money, I kind of cheated. I watched the 5:00 news and it showed the same thing."

The blonde says, "So did I... but I didn't think he would do it again."

Three brazilian

In a Cabinet meeting, in the US, the defense minister reported to the President and the cabinet. He said, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says, "Oh, my God!" and buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is stunned. Not a word is spoken. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to this kind of report.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian?"

What If Something Went Invisible??

Puzzles For Blondes-2